Alien Update

Seems as though I have a few requests for updates on the
aliens I supervise on a daily basis.

The aliens have gotten noticeably bigger .
I have so much material to work with hmm lets see maybe
 it would be best if I covered each individually.
Firs t of all there is the older of the aliens , the female
alien.
Her looks have taken off by leaps and bounds
it seems as though and on a daily basis she has
Bumps that swell beneath her clothes.
One day the girl alien with have a chest the size of her
alien mother figure the next they are smaller . The best I can figure
each item of clothing comes with its own built in chest .
Although I myself have never had those types of clothes but
she does dress rather retro .
Tags or maybe come alongs have grown from her ears .
The best I can tell maybe in there planet when a alien
hits a certain age they are marked in a different form .
The female alien has also developed the ability to say
one thousand words in twenty seconds or less
using the word "Like" at least 500 times in one conversation.
A simple question leds into a description of other aliens
clothing and attitudes.
The female alien spends time everyday frying her
hair straight then curling it again this along with the
ritual painting of the lids seems rather important to her now.
Stragely enough the boy alien has taken on some traits
of his own . The majority of conversation is a slur of
wordds and the only ones I catch are war and craft .
When he converses with other aliens from the
dwellings surrounding us they seem to understand
each others lingo.
The male alien like the females look has changed
immensely as well .
He seems to have let his usually short hair grow long like
the females (maybe thats why they tag some of the females)
He seems to have a emotional problem when it comes to
grooming it though and seems quite comfortable
with not combing it for days .
The two aliens have developed there own language
between them that of course the alien keepers
have not cracked either.
Much to my surprise I allowed the male alien
to bunk with me one night.
Within a few short seconds of his arrival he was l
talking and sucking all the oxygen away so fast the
fact there was an extra 10 feet was not even
 more than a seconds talking.
He now talks as fast as the girl alien .
Leaving p
He seems to feel the need to leave a trail
when ever he moves from one room to the other
I think it might be a fear of losing his way .
These aliens may look like our children
but they dont talk like them or act like
any child any half sane person would of ordered.
Beware as I do think they are trying to
slowly take over our world...........

T'was the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen;

I was cooking and baking and moanin and bitchin.

I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest.

This room's a disaster, just look at this mess!

 

Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed.

They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need!

My feet are both blistered, I've got cramps in my legs.

The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.

 

There's a knock at the door and the telephone's ringing;

frosting drips on the counter as the microwave's dinging.

Two pies in the oven, dessert's almost done;

my cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.

 

I've had all I can stand, I can't take anymore;

Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor.

He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;

then grins as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready!"

He looks all around and with total regret, says,

"What's taking so long....aren't you through in here yet?"

 

As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;

He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life!

He flees from the room in terror and pain

and screams, "MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE!!"

 

Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?

Oh darn, it's the pies! They're burned all to hell!

I hate to admit when I make a mistake,

but I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.

 

What else can go wrong? Is there still more ahead?

If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.

Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays;

It just leaves me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.

 

But I promise you one thing, If I live 'til next year,

You won't find me pulling my hair out in here.

I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;

and if that doesn't work, I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!

 

 

 

Things to ponder
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Why do people without out a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?

Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?

Why does sour cream have an expiration date?

Question:
How do you tell the difference between a Canadian Police Officer, Australian Police Officer, and an American Police Officer?

 

Pose the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges.

You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

 

CANADIAN POLICE OFFICERS:

(Immediate thought processes...)
~Is the knife a Ceremonial Kirpan?
~Does he prefer to communicate in English or French?
~Will this negatively impact my chances of promotion?
~Is this just his way of telling me that he pays my wages, and wants my job?
~Would this be an appropriate time to hug him and sing Koombaya?
~Will the media do a profile of him and how he was loved by everyone including his dog?
~Is the alleged "client" a member of the NDP or an Environmental Group?
~Is he just a squeegee kid / pan handler trying to make a living on the mean streets?
~Is he a member of a gang that is just "misunderstood" by society?
~Is he a recent illegal immigrant to this country, and just doesn't know how to approach the police?
~Is he recently released on parole and hasn't been properly integrated back into the community?
~Is he a victim of fetal alcohol syndrome, and just doesn't understand what he is doing?
~Is he a member of the Muslim community or other visible minority group?
`Warn and Charter him as he approaches.

 

AUSTRALIAN OFFICERS:

Answer: BANG!

 

 

AMERICAN OFFICERS:

Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click....

(Sounds of reloading)

 

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.

 

There's some mighty fine advice in these words, even if you're not superstitious. This has been sent To you for good luck from the Anthony Robbins organization. It has been sent around the world ten times so Far.

Do not keep this message.

This must leave your hands in 6 MINUTES. Otherwise you will get a very unpleasant surprise. This is true, even if you are not superstitious, agnostic, or otherwise faith impaired.

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

FOUR. When you say, 'I love you', mean it.

FIVE. When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

ELEVEN . Don't judge people by their relatives.

TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

FIFTEEN. Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson!

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship..

NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.